Archive for the ‘Hope’ Category

PostHeaderIcon It can be lonely out here…

It has been a long, long while….. tardis distance, galaxy far far away, you get the picture. It’s been a long time to be silent. I’m sorry. It’s not like this blog has a rabid fan base, but I started a story, and every village story teller must finish the story. Why I stopped is hard to explain. My reasons changed the further I got away from it. My heart changed the longer I let it beat. But the story has not changed, and the truth (As I know it) must be told.

I am trying to do my experience justice. I have struggled since post #3. I wanted to write and continue on, but I just didn’t have the heart. I hurt to remember, to know what I learned, to know what I lost, to see what I gained. I thank God for my chance he gave me. Yet at times I hate him for the choices he put in front of me. I want this to be written, but like the petulant child, I don’t want to do the writing. I don’t want to do the homework. I find it very hard to connect my experience with people. My ego says that people cannot understand, cannot care enough for it to be worth my while. And like an ego it needs to be deflated.

I was worried that after writing it all out none of it would matter. No one would remember me for this. No one would remember this for me. I feel the pain of Nephi who struggled as he finished his record. I find it fitting to paraphrase him and hope none think ill of me for doing so. Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi, Chapter 33

“And now I cannot write all the things which I learned; neither am I mighty in writing, like unto speaking; for when a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men.

But behold, there are many who will cast these things away which are written and esteem them as things of naught.

But I have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth, and especially unto my people. For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry.”

I came across the testimony of a man who did not search for god until after he had his own personal peace. He only then searched for god because realized he was not yet truly at peace. His Searching took him to many churches, many faiths, many religions. And when he found the peace he studied it, he partook of it, he spread it to others. He testified of his appreciation for receiving the “Peace which passeth all understanding” . Having felt that peace in my experience, I realized that in my arrogance, I thought that no one would understand. In my pain, I thought I could not give it to others. In my humility, I will continue to try.

Leighton Ford — “God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way”

Kevin Steele

PostHeaderIcon Where should I start?

Hey Folks,
I’ve had a rough couple of days trying to remember, all that happened, that I could remember.  There is so much that I know is there and I cannot write it all at once, but I cannot decide where to start.  Some would say start at the beginning, and while my list is chronological, I’m writing for myself, but also for the people who were there along side me the whole time.  Please, please , please leave a comment and let me know which (Up to 3) posts you think you would enjoy the most.  Please keep it at a 3 maximum.  Knowing what people might want to hear makes it easier to start.
  1. Events leading up to the ER
  2. Waking up after the first surgery
  3. Brief Explanation – Who’s Tracee?
  4. What I remember during the first time I was OUT.
  5. Waking up a 2nd time
  6. TRIPPING OUT!!! – Coming off of Propofol
  7. Getting through ICU
  8. Friends and Family
  9. Leaving the ICU
  10. Going home – Kinda
  11. Recovery – Physical
  12. Recovery – Mental
  13. How Insignificant and Precious
  14. What I remember the 2nd time on “Holiday”
  15. My sweetheart.
Thanks Everyone….
Kevin

PostHeaderIcon Songs that remind me of this last year – Post Surgery

From Sonata No.2 in A Minor, for Violin Solo – Bach

This is my favorite piece of music, EVER. and the fact that it is Classical, much less Bach, is pretty amazing (I’m not so much a classical fan, though I am a HUGE Piano Fan). This song always calms me and I can listen to it on repeat for hours on end. It is one place where I can find peace and inner harmony. This was how I felt during my moments in the “After time”.

Vanilla Twilight – Owl City

I had time to dream during my medical coma, and the thing I will always remember about that time is that the only one I wanted to be with was my love, Kaylene. I remember us being different places such as Heber Valley Railroad, Blackfoot Idaho, Oregon, and other areas that are peaceful areas in my past. She is the only one I wanted to be with; She still is. This life and the after wouldn’t be the same without her.

“I’ll watch the night turn light-blue
But it’s not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn’t so bad
‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly”

Waiting for My Real life to begin – Colin Hay

This was me waking up and spending my first nights in the ICU – Nothing to do but lay there, and feel helpless and needing more. More humanity, more purpose. I still feel more broken than normal. I know that Kaylene has heard me say before “I feel SO old”. Some people laugh when I say that seeing as how I’m only 31 now. I can understand the humor in my statement, but for a long time I’ve felt the parts in my machinery that creak and rub me raw. Like my skin fits too tightly and my mind doesn’t know what to do with itself. I’m waiting to feel the magic of youth, and that my opportunity hasn’t left me behind. It’s a hard thing to hope, when your physical, spiritual, and emotional joints are squeaky, rusty, and coming unhinged. I love this song cause it is a reminder of believing the fantastical, and that I still have to go out and do some work to make my dreams happen.

“When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again”

Fire and Rain – James Taylor

Kaylene will tell you that I LOVE to sing. I’m not that good, especially when I can’t belt it out, and even then…. This was the first song I felt I could try singing after everything happened. As well as being a James Taylor fan, I felt the pain of losing that important unameable part of me, and the triumph of being able to squeak the words out gave me such hope. The song still makes me cry if I try to sing it. This song is also for the people who “showed up” for me, for Kaylene, for our family. Thank you. Thanks to Jared and Shaleen for keeping Kaylene sane. Thanks to LANDesk and my friends there for their kind words, support, and love. Thank you to FAMILY! Thanks to all my friends and Kaylene’s friends who gave us their thoughts and prayers.

“Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend”

Something in the Way She moves – James Taylor

This is to My sweetheart who stuck right next to me, even when life was crashing around us. I know it was hard for you too, and I was so happy to have you there when I woke up. We’re coming up on 10 years!! I love you. For myself, I’m sorry that I cannot be everything I want to be for you.

“Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me
And to silently remind me
Of the happiness and the good times that I know”

Breathe – Aalok Mehta

This song personifies my need to become real again after my recovery and starting back into real life and work. Aalok Mehta is one of my favorite musicians. The song reminds me of how hard it is remember to be alive and realize the beauty of those around you. To be able to breath a sigh of relief, a breath of normalcy. I think of how many times that I felt I was drowning and the people who pulled me up and helped me on my way again.

“The life you bring into my domain
It leaves me with a smile of anticipation
I don’t know if the courage inside can radiate
Without the changes that seasons dream
And I keep on record all of my fears
However transient life can be your dancin’ babe it bleeds into me”

PostHeaderIcon One Word

Type only ONE word answers

It’s harder than you think!! Here is what you are supposed to do…and please don’t spoil the fun…copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and have fun.

Your hair………………….………………..Blondish-Brown
Where is your cell phone………………Pocket
Your father………………..………………Whistling
Your favorite thing………………………Knowledge
Your dream last night……………………..Nothing
Your favorite drink………………………..Pepsi
Your dream/goal…………….…………….balance
The room you are in……………………….Cubicle
Your fear………………….………………….failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years………happy
Muffins……………….……………………Blueberry
One of your wish list items………………..debt-free
Where you grew up……………………….Saudi
The last thing you did…………………..…blogging
What are you wearing……………….……T-shirt-and-Jeans
Your TV……………………………………Powermac G5
Your pets………………….………………none
Your computer…………………………….Lenovo-T42
Your life………………….………………..busy
Your mood………………….……………..anxious
Missing someone……………….………….kaylene
Your car…………………..……………….cavalier
Favorite store…………………………….Amazon.com
Your summer………………..…………….Cyprus
Your favorite color………………………..Blue
When is the last time you laughed………..Today
Last time you cried……………………….Dallin
Three people who email me………………Kaylene, clients, co-workers
Three of my favorite foods……………….steak, asparagus, Stroganoff
Three places I would rather be right now…Home, Oregon, Aiken
Three people I think will respond…………family

PostHeaderIcon What will happen when she gets in the spotlight???

Palin, she changes everything….  YEAH RIGHT….   I think it’s very presumptious, and that she hasn’t been given a chance to stand on her own.  I’m going to post these comics because I share the opinion that our politicians are nothing more than dimwitted movie-stars in suits/pantsuits.  Enjoy the Comics, but remember they aren’t mine, and they don’t completely share my point of view.

 

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

 

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

 

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

 

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

 

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida

Images by Tatsuya Ishida

PostHeaderIcon After…

With the failure of the Government, economy, president, and our many representatives.  Is this in our Future???  Yes there is a sense of humor attached to this.  And NO…  This does not represent a Democratic/Liberal side of things.  I believe this represents an end that is very bi-partisan

Sinfest Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

Sinfest Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

Images By Tatsuya Ishida

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