Archive for the ‘Spirit’ Category

PostHeaderIcon It can be lonely out here…

It has been a long, long while….. tardis distance, galaxy far far away, you get the picture. It’s been a long time to be silent. I’m sorry. It’s not like this blog has a rabid fan base, but I started a story, and every village story teller must finish the story. Why I stopped is hard to explain. My reasons changed the further I got away from it. My heart changed the longer I let it beat. But the story has not changed, and the truth (As I know it) must be told.

I am trying to do my experience justice. I have struggled since post #3. I wanted to write and continue on, but I just didn’t have the heart. I hurt to remember, to know what I learned, to know what I lost, to see what I gained. I thank God for my chance he gave me. Yet at times I hate him for the choices he put in front of me. I want this to be written, but like the petulant child, I don’t want to do the writing. I don’t want to do the homework. I find it very hard to connect my experience with people. My ego says that people cannot understand, cannot care enough for it to be worth my while. And like an ego it needs to be deflated.

I was worried that after writing it all out none of it would matter. No one would remember me for this. No one would remember this for me. I feel the pain of Nephi who struggled as he finished his record. I find it fitting to paraphrase him and hope none think ill of me for doing so. Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi, Chapter 33

“And now I cannot write all the things which I learned; neither am I mighty in writing, like unto speaking; for when a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men.

But behold, there are many who will cast these things away which are written and esteem them as things of naught.

But I have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth, and especially unto my people. For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry.”

I came across the testimony of a man who did not search for god until after he had his own personal peace. He only then searched for god because realized he was not yet truly at peace. His Searching took him to many churches, many faiths, many religions. And when he found the peace he studied it, he partook of it, he spread it to others. He testified of his appreciation for receiving the “Peace which passeth all understanding” . Having felt that peace in my experience, I realized that in my arrogance, I thought that no one would understand. In my pain, I thought I could not give it to others. In my humility, I will continue to try.

Leighton Ford — “God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way”

Kevin Steele

PostHeaderIcon 4. What I remember during the first time I was OUT.

I remember.

I remember the room.

A room of such simpleness that it neither drew the attention of the eye, nor a desire to study it further. It was so plain as to be both unknowingly large and small. Yet that does not mean it was void of beauty. And by beauty I don’t speak of garishness, nor sparkling fountains, or wondrous visages. It was beauty… That which is of deep peace, and not just skin deep. And not of starkness and cool edges but… simplicity. Things WERE. There was nothing about this place which held fear or concern, confusion or consternation. I was in a place older than time. It left the feeling of having been there more than eon’s, just more. Longer than human history, longer than elder Daemons or forbidden gods, longer than time.

I rember that there was a set of doors in the wall, or at least connected to the floor. I say that only because I don’t remember the walls, but there must (no, might) have been since I was in a room. There were benches, simply ordained with people sitting upon them. An there were others, with me. Not Dante’sque puppets acting upon the marionette strings of eternal justice. Just people who WERE. Like me they were there and they didn’t know me or I them. And the fact that there were passing strangers was of NO importance to me.

If a tree falls in a forest, does it even matter whether or not it makes a sound?

I sat and I….. Well, I just sat there. Stump on a log, stone in the henge, tree in the forest. I just sat and let time ebb and flow around me. It was with this passage of time that I became aware of my feelings. I was at peace. I was not granted all knowledge and all reason. I am as stupid, more or less than before going to the hospital. I simply felt loved. I knew my life was imperfect, blurred, marred and stained by the choices of every day. But I knew I was loved. I could feel the love of my father. I could feel the compassion and care of some one who was always watching, always existing, ever present. He knew me through and through. Yet with all that, he loved me as if I was just brought into existence. I felt the existence of so many things. The stars in the heavens, the void, the all that is all. I understand that I am a speck of a side, of the corner, of the mote of dust in the existence that is the universe. But even more, I understood the how inimitable I was. I lived the words of Abraham when he was shown the whole of heaven, so much that he could not comprehend it all. I feel the hope and pain of the fictional character, Eleanor Arroway when she says:

“I can’t prove it, I can’t even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever… A vision… of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how… rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish… I… could share that… I wish, that everyone, if only for one… moment, could feel… that awe, and humility, and hope. But… That continues to be my wish.

How rare and precious I felt. I knew I could have done better in my life, but I knew I was loved just the same. How this impacted me from that point on was a matter left up to the person who was watching over me. While there was a tepid sense of loss to what could be gained from a better life lived, I was not wanting more than what I had lived up to. I knew where ever I was, that I was Loved. I found peace spoken of in Phillipian’s that passeth ALL understanding.

Having that peace I stood up and was walking around, enjoying the love I felt and continuing to think about my life. It was at this time that I felt a light touch on my shoulder. I had been approached from behind and a women stood there. She simply told me “Tell my mother that I love her”. I knew her name was Tracee, and I knew her mother Carol who lived across the street from my parents house. I don’t remember saying yes, or responding to her. I don’t remember how much longer I was in that place I just know that some time after that, I woke up after my first surgery.

And now the punch line…. or was that punch in the gut.

I woke up without peace, I was in pain and disoriented. The Peace that passeth all understanding had passed. Attached to a bed, cut open, peoples concern was evident. It felt panic incarnate. AS everything fell out of place and then back in, Kaylene was there to comfort me, my parents were looking over me, I was being watched and cared for. It was not until that day had died down and night had come that I remembered what had happened to me and what I needed to do. In the morning I struggled to let my mom know what was happening and have her send Tracee’s message to her mother. From there it was off to more surgery.

PostHeaderIcon Where should I start?

Hey Folks,
I’ve had a rough couple of days trying to remember, all that happened, that I could remember.  There is so much that I know is there and I cannot write it all at once, but I cannot decide where to start.  Some would say start at the beginning, and while my list is chronological, I’m writing for myself, but also for the people who were there along side me the whole time.  Please, please , please leave a comment and let me know which (Up to 3) posts you think you would enjoy the most.  Please keep it at a 3 maximum.  Knowing what people might want to hear makes it easier to start.
  1. Events leading up to the ER
  2. Waking up after the first surgery
  3. Brief Explanation – Who’s Tracee?
  4. What I remember during the first time I was OUT.
  5. Waking up a 2nd time
  6. TRIPPING OUT!!! – Coming off of Propofol
  7. Getting through ICU
  8. Friends and Family
  9. Leaving the ICU
  10. Going home – Kinda
  11. Recovery – Physical
  12. Recovery – Mental
  13. How Insignificant and Precious
  14. What I remember the 2nd time on “Holiday”
  15. My sweetheart.
Thanks Everyone….
Kevin

PostHeaderIcon Do I know my wife?

I answered all the questions on my wife’s blog and now I have to see how well I know my wife.  GULP.  I’m not looking forward to that, but OK.  Hopefully I do at least half as well as she did.

-How do you feel about Country Music?
Kevin being Kaylene: It’s probably one of my favorite overall Genre’s.  I haven’t collected a lot of newer country music, but it makes up the majority of my library.

Kaylene:  Yup. 🙂

-How many curlers does your wife wear in her hair at night?
Kevin being Kaylene: I don’t wear curlers to bed.

Kaylene: I don’t, but I did a couple times as a kid, and rag rollers a couple times for a musical in High School, my hair could really keep that kind of curl, now I’m really tempted to try it again! 😉

-What is the last book you read or are reading?
Kevin being Kaylene: Home Plans/Paint books for rooms.

Kaylene: Matt and Share: Real decorating for real people, or Candice Olson: On Design, so yeah. 🙂

-What 3 movies would you take to a Desert Island (this is of course assuming that you could watch them there)?
Kevin being Kaylene: Princess Bride, Quest for Camelot, First Knight

Kaylene:  Hmm, I thought about this one overnight, and he’s right on, and probably answered them faster than I would.  Princess Bride is an all time favorite of mine, Quest for Camelot has a LONG back story, that has a bit to do with the way our romance blossomed back in 2000, and for that reason is really special to me (and it would entertain the kids more than all the other movies we’d take according to our lists… LOL! and First Knight, YEAH!  I’m Crazy about the whole Arthor, Camelot thing, and the visuals, and whole feel of that movie just kills me, I eat it right up! I totally want to copy the court yard in Camelot in my home one day!

-What 3 TV shows on disc would you take to a Desert Island?
Kevin being Kaylene: A good Cooking show, Private Practice/Greys Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters

Kaylene: Office, House, …  Can’t I just take my computer, internet access, and a link to hulu.com?  Love that place!  I think I’d get bored of the same three TV shows…  But I guess my third choice would be a cooking show, assuming I’d have a good stocked kitchen and CHOCOLATE!

-Does this quiz stink?
Kevin being Kaylene: Kinda, but I love my husband so I’ll do it anyways. :)

Kaylene: Hahahahaha, read my blog’s version of this question. 🙂  I really enjoy it and getting to know my hubby better, and what he thinks I think. 😀

-Name your 3 Favorite Fruits:
Kevin being Kaylene: Not TOMATOES.  My husband’s Grilled Pinapple, Oranges, and Chocolate

Kaylene:  Hmm, Kevin’s right NO TOMATOES (unless they’re in a good Pico de Gallo or cooked and well seasoned) I do LOVE his grilled pineapple, but I recall helping coat it with brown sugar 😉  I’ll have to say, Raspberries (especially dipped in chocolate, but any way will do, mmmm!) a good in season Watermelon, especially in the hottest part of summer, and Lemonade, when i think of fruity things, I LOVE cold, fresh, hand squeezed, lemonade.  But Kevin’s grilled pineapple is right up there.  I forgot how much I like fruit!

-What is in the Back Seat of your car right now?
Kevin being Kaylene: What Car?  My husband drives the family car as a commuter so in his back seat is the Kids Safety seats.

Kaylene:  I don’t technically have a car.  I’m insured on Kevin’s but I’m not on the title.  someday I’ll get a mini van…

-When was the last time you threw up?
Kevin being Kaylene: I don’t know.  I’ve been sick lately, but I can’t remember when I last threw up.

Kaylene:  I think, and I’m pretty sure it was morning sickness when I was pregnant, I’ve gotten the tummy bug since then, but it takes a lot for me to throw up, thanks to so much practice trying to trying to keep my cool when pregnant.

-What is your favorite curse word?
Kevin being Kaylene: I have larger problem with that than my husband, but it would be D****t.

Kaylene: Or D***  or S***, when I burn something, or realize I’m almost out of gas, or smash my finger.  Or if you ask Michael it would be “stupid,” “dumb,” or “hate,” I tell him not to use those words and then I turn around and use them…  Shame on me!  Mind you he’s usually using them about people, I’m usually using them about inanimate objects, but still.

-Name one thing you are really good at:
Kevin being Kaylene: I’m a great photographer.  At least my husband thinks so.  I enjoy photography, and can relaly be hard on myself.  I just see it as striving for perfection in my trade.  I also seem to know tons of stuff about arts, crafts, and music.

Kaylene:  I’m not very comfortable with my skills, I do think I improve all the time, but it gets to feel REALLY big for me something.  I’m Glad Kevin believes in me though! (((HUGS)))

-Name one thing you are really bad at:
Cutting people off in the middle of a conversation or sentence.  I’m not sure that’s the case, but Kevin seems to think so.  Truth be told I’m not sure what Kevin thinks I do badly.  or maybe he just can’t say.

Kaylene: True, true, I just get so afraid that I’ll forget what I’ve got to say… Not a good excuse though.

-What 3 books would you take to a desert island?
Kevin being Kaylene: 1~ Twilight Series, 2~ a Huge Home Plan/Design book, and 3~ Paint Books/Chips/Home Design….  I’m really in that phase right now.  Oh’ and I’d bring chocolate.

Kaylene: I am REALLY in the decorating/house plan phase, I mean, if all goes well we’ll FINALLY own our own home within a reasonable amount of time, so, living with my parents and having little to no control over those type of surroundings at the moment, I’m TOTALLY into that.  But, if I was moving to some desert Island, adn there’s no Home Depot, Lowe’s, or other Home improvement store anywhere around, I think I’d avoid that stuff.

ROFLOL about the chocolate, he really knows me, life would be torturous without the chance to have a little chocolate any day I want!

OK, so assuming the scriptures would already be on this Island, I’d go with series to kill time (uh oh, another bad word, don’t tell Michael!) since nobody mentioned how long we’d be stuck on this island.  Twilight Series including the new ones from Edward’s POV, The whole Box Car Children Series, LOVED it as a kid, and I would LOVE to have all of them to read to my kids, and I think Anne of Green Gables.  It’s been too long since I really read for recreation.

-Name your 3 favorite drinks:
Kevin being Kaylene: Water, Chocolate Milk, and um…. Rootbeer, and chocolate?

Kaylene:  Rootbeer YUMMY!  Lemon Raspberry Slush, and I LOVE cold spring water.

-Name your 3 Favorite Vegetables:
Kevin being Kaylene: Grilled Asparagus, squash, and avocados, and chocolate.

Kaylene:  Great Answers!  I think that’s about right, I cant ‘think of anything I like more than those, though a good corn and bean salsa is yummy!

-What is your favorite Ice Cream Flavor?
Kevin being Kaylene: Bear Tracks, or anything really chocolatey.

Kaylene:  My Hubby knows me well.  I like anything chocolate with brownies, caramel swirls, chocolate swirls, chocolate bits, oreo’s (now wouldn’t it be decadent if they came up with a cookies and chocolate cream ice cream?!?!) Cashews, Almonds, Pistachios, especially coated in chocolate.  The more variation of chocolate the better!

-What was the last thing you ate?
Kevin being Kaylene: Leftovers from Rib City Grill in AF.  I went there on a Date with my husband who loves me sooooooo much and then I shared my leftovers with my family for lunch.

Kaylene:  Hahaha, by the time I read this it was Ziti pasta and home made bread sticks, right now it’s cough drops and water (silly cold!), but for lunch I did have my Rib City leftovers, and I shared them with Ryan and Aiden, I LOVE my dates with my hubby, and not just cause we get to eat out sometimes, but we get a good chance to connect without so many distractions.

-What is the last sporting event you watched?
Kevin being Kaylene: I don’t watch sports.  Maybe it was the WWF clip I showed Kevin from 1997 with The Rock, and 2 other guys.  Macho Soap Opera.

Kaylene:  That would probably be it.

-Are you free on Saturday night?
Kevin being Kaylene: My husband is going out on saturday with a bunch of friends to go watch a movie, and depending on when he gets home, we’ll find out.

Kaylene:  There’s a girl in the ward I grew up in getting married tomorrow, and I hope to drop into her reception, and there are a couple girl friends in town, so that would be AWESOME too see them, but nothing solid yet other than Kevin’s movie with his friends.

-What is your first thought when you hear “Australia”?
Kevin being Kaylene: David and Amanda.  Our friends from Houston.  David is from Western Australia.

Kaylene:  Manda and Dave.  Dave is a helicopter technician, and I think of Joey’s jacket, it’s army colors, with helicopters instead of normal camo, cute stuff.

-How many states have you been to?
Kevin being Kaylene: 10

Kaylene: California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas.  So 12, I think he forgot Nevada and Arizona.  I think that’s it, though a little birdie told my my Hubby may want to take me on a romantic get away for our anniversary to Portland Oregon where he served his mission.  Fun stuff!

-What is the biggest annoyance in your life right now (besides this quiz)?
Kevin being Kaylene: Not having a Van or a home for our family

Kaylene:  Those things are pretty tough for me, but it works out.  But it may just be not having my kids play zone and my computer being in the same room.

Check back to see Kaylene’s answers…

Kevin.

Fun stuff Kevin!  LOVE YOU!  🙂

Kaylene

PostHeaderIcon Conversation’s/(Guilt Trips) with God!

Ever Feel Like This…..

SinFest Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

SinFest Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

 

I know I have, and my guess is you have too if you’ve ever tried building your relationship with god.  Though me thinks that most of this part of the conversation has more to do with the internal struggle that all us sinners deal with.  For me personally, I really have to struggle to stop listening to my self, and break on through to the other side.  Then the true conversation can begin.  Short thought of the moment, but it just made me think.

Kevin.

 

Image by Tatsuya Ishida

PostHeaderIcon Reminders

Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

Comic by Tatsuya Ishida

With the devastation of Ike, there is a lot that runs through your head.  included in the hardships of day to day life, is the inevitable question, “Is god out there?”.  Why would he allow this?  Or, Why would he do this to people?

I wonder if….  God is love.  That’s what they say isn’t it.  From the mortal experience, we seem to have all sorts of perspective on Love.  I believe we are allowed to have as much control over Nature as he does.  We forget though that both we and he have to play by the rules.  It’s funny but you can think of the Holy Ghost as a referree and all you have to do is ask, “Am I gonna win this one?  Is it worth losing the game?  What do I do?”. 

See,  existance has rules, and even God “walks the razors edge of necessity” (Skousen, Cleon) in what he can and cannot reveal to us without taking away our free will.  So, Heavenly Father is more aware of the rules, loopholes, and damage than we are.  But he doesn’t keep that hidden on purpose, we just have to faithfully ask.  As well as asking we are required to have faith that the “Universe is the great Equalizer” (Isani Cayetano).  We may not win this round, we may not understand God’s nature, but we must maintain faith that he is a fair and just God.  God will restore what is ours to us in time.

I have a testimony that God is just with us and that he allows us to have strife, temptation, and challenges.  He also promises to be with us when we ask of him.  He will return to us our righteousness, justice, mercy, goodness, kindness, injustices, intolerance, and all our doings.  God lives by the Golden Rule.  I think I’ll close this post with the words of Alma to Corianton, the son he loved so much he gave these great words of wisdom. (pulled from http://scriptures.lds.org)

 

THE BOOK OF ALMA
THE SON OF ALMA
CHAPTER 41

12 And now behold, is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state and place it in an unnatural state, or to place it in a state opposite to its nature?

  13 O, my son, this is not the case; but the meaning of the word restoration is to bring back again aevil for evil, or carnal for carnal, or devilish for devilish—good for that which is good; righteous for that which is righteous; just for that which is just; merciful for that which is merciful.
  14 Therefore, my son, see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal ajustly, bjudge righteously, and do cgood continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your dreward; yea, ye shall have emercy restored unto you again; ye shall have justice restored unto you again; ye shall have a righteous judgment restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
  15 For that which ye do asend out shall return unto you again, and be restored; therefore, the word restoration more fully condemneth the sinner, and justifieth him not at all.
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