Fidelacchius, Esperacchius, Amoracchius.

Archive for April 6th, 2008

EDITORS WARNING-My Personal Feelings Ahead.  If you choose to think less, take offense, feel hurt, or misunderstand, please know, I still love you.

Do you feel weak?  I know I do…. 

This last Sunday, we blessed Joseph Merlin Steele in our Ward in Houston Texas.  My Bishop loves me, and makes it known to me.  He gave no issue to the blessing happening on a Fast Sunday.  My older brother Sam, got up and bore a short sweet testimony and let me know he was proud of me.  I cried.  I’m not sure if he knows this, but along with my father, he is one of my idols.  I’ve indirectly seen the trials, struggles, and intra-personal beatings that my brother has been through.  To see him at the pulpit, looking only like he could in a suit, holding the Melchizidek Priesthood, I cry.  I know my brother is imperfect.  We don’t listen to the same music, He’s got a much bigger temper than I and I’m sure there are other imperfections that only Sam and/or Sara see.  But he is strong.  I see him and I am reminded of a small prayer given by a Knight of the White Cross.

Lord, we walk into darkness now.  Our enemies will surround us. 
Please help to make us strong enough to do what needs to be done.  Amen.

I struggle with many things.  Some I have managed, others have kicked me while down.  My struggles, have brought sadness to my family with my failures.  Yet, I’ve found joy when my family rallies around me.  I’ve wondered some times why they would choose to do so.  Charity is one of the Lord’s tender mercies.  I often feel weak, old, broken and always found wanting.  My wife is one of the most forgiving , loving, and stubborn people I know.  Fool that I am, I’ve put it to the test and yet she is here telling me to get up, grow up, and that feeling sorry for my self is not helping.  I have three boys who love me and hug me and give me kisses.  I sing to them, not as much as I used to, nor as much as I should.  My boys lullabies are by James Taylor.

 I digress…  Needless to say, I’m envious of my brother and wish I had some of the stillness of character that I see in him.  They say to put your faith in god and he will guide you.  My faith is around here somwhere, but until I find it I will put my trust in him.  I feel like I’m constantly looking through the glass darkly.  (Corinthians 13:12)  If I read one more line I find hope, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” (Corinthians 13:13)  I struggle with depression, but try hard to hide it.  I struggle with my anger and my voice.  I struggle with myself and my desires.  I struggle with my beliefs.  I struggle just to get up and breathe my first morning breath.  I need a respite, one I can find in my family.  I Love you, I pray for you.  Please pray for me to have strength enough to do what needs to be done.

Kaylene, Sam, Dad,  Family.

As bogged down as I feel some times, I always Love you.

Little whisperings.  Some times that all it takes.  Some times it’s enough for a momentary place of peace.  Of all the speakers, I found my self drawn to the talks of Presidents Monson and Uchtdorf.  I feel the personal love and interest that Monson has for me (and we’ve never met) and the concern that President Uchtdorf has for our direction.

I heard talks that I felt like I had heard before and I heard messages that touched me.  I heard words of chastisement, loving, care, direction, laughter, and peace.  I needed that most of all; peace. 

I’m pretty sure that Kaylene would agree that I’m always a turmoil of emotions.  I have a hard time expressing my emotions because I worry about the power of my words.  Think about it, words, especially names have power.  As humans, our speech is inflected, personal, and varied.  I worry that the things I say will be interpreted wrong, and so I shut up and stir over thoughts and emotions and what to say.  It drives Kaylene absolutely up the wall and can make communication very hard.  It can also bring a, hm….. how to put this “Great disturbance” in my personal “force”.  But it is my personal constant.

So, to find peace in the midst of such a busy and spiritually overwhelming weekend is wonderful.  I think I’ll be going back to some of these talks to search for more peace.

Kevin