Fidelacchius, Esperacchius, Amoracchius.

It has been a long, long while….. tardis distance, galaxy far far away, you get the picture. It’s been a long time to be silent. I’m sorry. It’s not like this blog has a rabid fan base, but I started a story, and every village story teller must finish the story. Why I stopped is hard to explain. My reasons changed the further I got away from it. My heart changed the longer I let it beat. But the story has not changed, and the truth (As I know it) must be told.

I am trying to do my experience justice. I have struggled since post #3. I wanted to write and continue on, but I just didn’t have the heart. I hurt to remember, to know what I learned, to know what I lost, to see what I gained. I thank God for my chance he gave me. Yet at times I hate him for the choices he put in front of me. I want this to be written, but like the petulant child, I don’t want to do the writing. I don’t want to do the homework. I find it very hard to connect my experience with people. My ego says that people cannot understand, cannot care enough for it to be worth my while. And like an ego it needs to be deflated.

I was worried that after writing it all out none of it would matter. No one would remember me for this. No one would remember this for me. I feel the pain of Nephi who struggled as he finished his record. I find it fitting to paraphrase him and hope none think ill of me for doing so. Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi, Chapter 33

“And now I cannot write all the things which I learned; neither am I mighty in writing, like unto speaking; for when a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men.

But behold, there are many who will cast these things away which are written and esteem them as things of naught.

But I have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth, and especially unto my people. For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry.”

I came across the testimony of a man who did not search for god until after he had his own personal peace. He only then searched for god because realized he was not yet truly at peace. His Searching took him to many churches, many faiths, many religions. And when he found the peace he studied it, he partook of it, he spread it to others. He testified of his appreciation for receiving the “Peace which passeth all understanding” . Having felt that peace in my experience, I realized that in my arrogance, I thought that no one would understand. In my pain, I thought I could not give it to others. In my humility, I will continue to try.

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