Fidelacchius, Esperacchius, Amoracchius.

From Sonata No.2 in A Minor, for Violin Solo – Bach

This is my favorite piece of music, EVER. and the fact that it is Classical, much less Bach, is pretty amazing (I’m not so much a classical fan, though I am a HUGE Piano Fan). This song always calms me and I can listen to it on repeat for hours on end. It is one place where I can find peace and inner harmony. This was how I felt during my moments in the “After time”.

Vanilla Twilight – Owl City

I had time to dream during my medical coma, and the thing I will always remember about that time is that the only one I wanted to be with was my love, Kaylene. I remember us being different places such as Heber Valley Railroad, Blackfoot Idaho, Oregon, and other areas that are peaceful areas in my past. She is the only one I wanted to be with; She still is. This life and the after wouldn’t be the same without her.

“I’ll watch the night turn light-blue
But it’s not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn’t so bad
‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly”

Waiting for My Real life to begin – Colin Hay

This was me waking up and spending my first nights in the ICU – Nothing to do but lay there, and feel helpless and needing more. More humanity, more purpose. I still feel more broken than normal. I know that Kaylene has heard me say before “I feel SO old”. Some people laugh when I say that seeing as how I’m only 31 now. I can understand the humor in my statement, but for a long time I’ve felt the parts in my machinery that creak and rub me raw. Like my skin fits too tightly and my mind doesn’t know what to do with itself. I’m waiting to feel the magic of youth, and that my opportunity hasn’t left me behind. It’s a hard thing to hope, when your physical, spiritual, and emotional joints are squeaky, rusty, and coming unhinged. I love this song cause it is a reminder of believing the fantastical, and that I still have to go out and do some work to make my dreams happen.

“When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again”

Fire and Rain – James Taylor

Kaylene will tell you that I LOVE to sing. I’m not that good, especially when I can’t belt it out, and even then…. This was the first song I felt I could try singing after everything happened. As well as being a James Taylor fan, I felt the pain of losing that important unameable part of me, and the triumph of being able to squeak the words out gave me such hope. The song still makes me cry if I try to sing it. This song is also for the people who “showed up” for me, for Kaylene, for our family. Thank you. Thanks to Jared and Shaleen for keeping Kaylene sane. Thanks to LANDesk and my friends there for their kind words, support, and love. Thank you to FAMILY! Thanks to all my friends and Kaylene’s friends who gave us their thoughts and prayers.

“Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend”

Something in the Way She moves – James Taylor

This is to My sweetheart who stuck right next to me, even when life was crashing around us. I know it was hard for you too, and I was so happy to have you there when I woke up. We’re coming up on 10 years!! I love you. For myself, I’m sorry that I cannot be everything I want to be for you.

“Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me
And to silently remind me
Of the happiness and the good times that I know”

Breathe – Aalok Mehta

This song personifies my need to become real again after my recovery and starting back into real life and work. Aalok Mehta is one of my favorite musicians. The song reminds me of how hard it is remember to be alive and realize the beauty of those around you. To be able to breath a sigh of relief, a breath of normalcy. I think of how many times that I felt I was drowning and the people who pulled me up and helped me on my way again.

“The life you bring into my domain
It leaves me with a smile of anticipation
I don’t know if the courage inside can radiate
Without the changes that seasons dream
And I keep on record all of my fears
However transient life can be your dancin’ babe it bleeds into me”